love

"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, only that moon."

practical magic is such a film <3

him

theres never one huh
theres always a bad boy, and then the good one and in your head you know its right to want the nice one but nice ones never want me and when the nice one came along i got scared of hurting them and ran away, and now i miss him, i wish i didnt push away the people who i loved most.

now all i have is this bad boy, he doesnt want me at all, wow



"well i know i make you cry, and i know sometimes you wanna die, but do you really feel alive without me?"

rotation

I'm beginning to realise im in a circle of events
i go through a stage of doubt, and fear, to be reasurred and happy, to not liking who i am, then realising it doesnt matter what people think, and one person can change all that and i have to start again

i still dont know what i am, who i am, why i am, where i want to be, and how i want to affect the things and people that surround me

i dont just want to be that weirdo
i want to be someone that when you go home, they are actually glad that they have seen you, and wouldnt mind spending more than one day with you

ive aso realised at the moment its impossible to stick to one thing
im jumping all over the place, my emotions going mad, eyes sparkling at everything i see.

ive made alot of mistakes in my life, as has everyone, some you cant correct, and that i dont mind, but watching the people move further away from you is what hurts the most, the people who say theyll never leave do, and whats even worse is they dont even realise, and theres nothing you can do, but watch.

im one of those people who doesnt mind sitting alone in a busy place, i dont worry that people think its odd how i am alone, i like watching other people at their business how they react, how their body language is, how they look, their awareness of whats around them. i dont know why i like that, i shouldnt care about anything around me, i should concentrate on what i need to do, but then isnt that selfish to just do what I want. i value so much but all i value contradicts itself, and im not sure what actually is anymore

I used to think words sorted everything out, if i wrote it down, as a paragraph, a poem, a song then it would all be fine

but now im left dazed in a matter of words, dazed because alas, this circle has no end.

laaaaaaa

Just been watching bones and found this interesting fact;
"One story about soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them:"

hmm :)

metal can clink

I'm vunrable. I am not a robot.

its okay to say you have a weak spot

recently i feel really strange like nothing means anything, if were all going to die why does anything mean anything, words are just words? and actions are impulses which tissue respond to? and clothes just attract people because of sight which your brain recognises, i always used to believe in the way i feel, so strongly, i would follow what my heart wanted but then a heart isnt thinky, thats your brain, and even then thats just electrical impulses, so now i dont know what i think, i dont know how i feel and and, i just cant move on from this sticky box

touching

kate nash - dont you want to share the guilt
"Barbacue food is good
you invite me out to eat it i should, go
but i'm feeling kinda nervous
and not quite myself
so im running late on purpose
and i know this won't help
how things have become between us
if i go you'll give me help
and that i don't know how to fix it is making me unwell

But, i arrive at your house but you've just got up
and you are wearing a towel and your eyes look dark
i help to dry your body and i see your cut
so i give you a plaster and we cover it up
i say have you been crying and you say shut up
so we sit in the garden and touch grass with our hands

The sun is going down now and it's been okay
you tell me all the things you did while i was away, and this worries me so much
you say your fine

Listen, can you hear it?
if you speak, will i feel it?
will it hurt?
and i knew it
i dont know?

I dont know how all people haven't got mental health problems
thinking is one of those stressful things i've ever come across
and not being able to articulate what i want to say drives me crazy
i think i should try and read more books and learn some new words
my sister used to read the dictionary i'm going to start with that
i'd like to travel i want to see india and the pyramids, a whale and that race with all the bycicles in France
i'm not sure about rivers they scare me
but i love swimming i'm good at it
when i swim i think about numbers, i count the laps
when i was younger i saw a house burnt down and i walked past it everyday for the next six years
derelict black chalky and dangerous i wondered if squatters lived there?
still not sure but i know there were not any parties coz they were shit
after a while the council got round to tidying up the town making it less offeciencive here and there
they say it was a nice sore so they threw it down
behind the house there was a wall with a few bits of crappy graffiti and the word cunt written on it in massive letters and i walked pass that
i like sitting in the park and i like walking through it
i like taking my dogs there and friends and i like being alone
i like flowers and simplicity
i like compassion and thoughtful gifts
i like being able to shout but i wish i could be quiet
but when i'm quiet people think i'm sad and usually i am
sometimes when i'm at a busy trainstation somewhere big with noisy trains like kings cross
i feel like putting down my bags and shouting out because i have something to say
don't you want to share the guilt?
don't think just try and sleep!"

Amazing lyrics.