im just scared

he doesnt know
he doesnt know how much i care for him, he doesnt know that before him i thought i wouldnt find someone who could cope with me, and someone who could actually keep me interested and cared about me, i know he likes me, but he doesnt know i love him, and i cant tell him that either, because hes gone, and i cant push him further than he already is

but you cant stop thinking about her

everything is made up of my own perspective

i see someone reaching out trying to grab what we used to be
someone else see's attention seeking

everything is dopple gangered

and i never know where i am, let alone who

all i know is that im enjoying where i am, everything happeneds for a reason, forget worrying about whats to come, youre living for the day

love

"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, only that moon."

practical magic is such a film <3

him

theres never one huh
theres always a bad boy, and then the good one and in your head you know its right to want the nice one but nice ones never want me and when the nice one came along i got scared of hurting them and ran away, and now i miss him, i wish i didnt push away the people who i loved most.

now all i have is this bad boy, he doesnt want me at all, wow



"well i know i make you cry, and i know sometimes you wanna die, but do you really feel alive without me?"

rotation

I'm beginning to realise im in a circle of events
i go through a stage of doubt, and fear, to be reasurred and happy, to not liking who i am, then realising it doesnt matter what people think, and one person can change all that and i have to start again

i still dont know what i am, who i am, why i am, where i want to be, and how i want to affect the things and people that surround me

i dont just want to be that weirdo
i want to be someone that when you go home, they are actually glad that they have seen you, and wouldnt mind spending more than one day with you

ive aso realised at the moment its impossible to stick to one thing
im jumping all over the place, my emotions going mad, eyes sparkling at everything i see.

ive made alot of mistakes in my life, as has everyone, some you cant correct, and that i dont mind, but watching the people move further away from you is what hurts the most, the people who say theyll never leave do, and whats even worse is they dont even realise, and theres nothing you can do, but watch.

im one of those people who doesnt mind sitting alone in a busy place, i dont worry that people think its odd how i am alone, i like watching other people at their business how they react, how their body language is, how they look, their awareness of whats around them. i dont know why i like that, i shouldnt care about anything around me, i should concentrate on what i need to do, but then isnt that selfish to just do what I want. i value so much but all i value contradicts itself, and im not sure what actually is anymore

I used to think words sorted everything out, if i wrote it down, as a paragraph, a poem, a song then it would all be fine

but now im left dazed in a matter of words, dazed because alas, this circle has no end.

laaaaaaa

Just been watching bones and found this interesting fact;
"One story about soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them:"

hmm :)

metal can clink

I'm vunrable. I am not a robot.

its okay to say you have a weak spot

recently i feel really strange like nothing means anything, if were all going to die why does anything mean anything, words are just words? and actions are impulses which tissue respond to? and clothes just attract people because of sight which your brain recognises, i always used to believe in the way i feel, so strongly, i would follow what my heart wanted but then a heart isnt thinky, thats your brain, and even then thats just electrical impulses, so now i dont know what i think, i dont know how i feel and and, i just cant move on from this sticky box

touching

kate nash - dont you want to share the guilt
"Barbacue food is good
you invite me out to eat it i should, go
but i'm feeling kinda nervous
and not quite myself
so im running late on purpose
and i know this won't help
how things have become between us
if i go you'll give me help
and that i don't know how to fix it is making me unwell

But, i arrive at your house but you've just got up
and you are wearing a towel and your eyes look dark
i help to dry your body and i see your cut
so i give you a plaster and we cover it up
i say have you been crying and you say shut up
so we sit in the garden and touch grass with our hands

The sun is going down now and it's been okay
you tell me all the things you did while i was away, and this worries me so much
you say your fine

Listen, can you hear it?
if you speak, will i feel it?
will it hurt?
and i knew it
i dont know?

I dont know how all people haven't got mental health problems
thinking is one of those stressful things i've ever come across
and not being able to articulate what i want to say drives me crazy
i think i should try and read more books and learn some new words
my sister used to read the dictionary i'm going to start with that
i'd like to travel i want to see india and the pyramids, a whale and that race with all the bycicles in France
i'm not sure about rivers they scare me
but i love swimming i'm good at it
when i swim i think about numbers, i count the laps
when i was younger i saw a house burnt down and i walked past it everyday for the next six years
derelict black chalky and dangerous i wondered if squatters lived there?
still not sure but i know there were not any parties coz they were shit
after a while the council got round to tidying up the town making it less offeciencive here and there
they say it was a nice sore so they threw it down
behind the house there was a wall with a few bits of crappy graffiti and the word cunt written on it in massive letters and i walked pass that
i like sitting in the park and i like walking through it
i like taking my dogs there and friends and i like being alone
i like flowers and simplicity
i like compassion and thoughtful gifts
i like being able to shout but i wish i could be quiet
but when i'm quiet people think i'm sad and usually i am
sometimes when i'm at a busy trainstation somewhere big with noisy trains like kings cross
i feel like putting down my bags and shouting out because i have something to say
don't you want to share the guilt?
don't think just try and sleep!"

Amazing lyrics.

can i trust it

can i honestly trust thats in space? i mean come on look it, i havent seen it with my own eyes how do i know the Nasa people have just decided to make it up :S HXDKSGFDSZGLDSRGLDSE why am i questioning the one thing that i love the most? I love space and its impossibility but i dont now what to believe any more, nothing i do makes sense, im a peice of meat ~ muscle ~protien ~amino acids ~cells ~DNA that makes no difference to this world at all, so why do i care about whats out there, what there is for me to do, to see, when as an evidential end, the sun is going to explode?





Take me here, take me away to relax and re-think what i want to do with my life, the enthusiasm to 'know' what 'is' is now becoming futile, this isnt like me at all, something needs to grab me quick before i turn into some lame boring twat.

well thats new

i find it amazing when you find out things about the people you thought you knew the most, that completely change your outlook of them, but then you cant let them know that you know, because that just defeats the point - what point?





“Breathe. Let go. Remind yourself that this moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

Only for the soft and soppy hearted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nk5uf9hva6M

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health, and more than wealth,
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So, with my best, my very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all, when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So, with my best, my very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all, when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

But most of all, when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

i hate it

when people dont seem to comprehend how much i need themand how much i love them, that i honestly dont know where ide be today without them, i get confidnce from the people around me, and without them i would be nothing.



take me there

how is this possible?

i havent ever had this?
ive always grown to realise that i like someone, never seen someone and though, yeah he's different
ive never looked at someone and instantaneusly cared

ive never met someone compatible with my personality,
someone who isnt all lovey dovey, will laugh at me and not just with me, doesnt wait for chances to pass and flows with whats going on.
someone who makes me feel special, yet everytime they do, it feels new and i get embarassed again, someone who for once actually has a bit of control over me.
and now i feel like im already loosing it?

my personality doesnt allow me to loose people in my life, i need to be friends with people, to keean eye on them and make sure theyre okay, so whatever happends, i physically wont loose him.

but i think i might loose ths instant connection
and im scared, for its been such a short space of time, so why am i so bothered?

3 blogs in one ;)

So recently I haven’t really written any blogs, so I thought hey? lets waste more of my time and do it when I could be sleeping, well when I should be sleeping is a better way to put it; I went to bed at twenty to ten its now twenty to 11 and hurrah, no sleep.
Why does it seem my life revolves around finding romance, which technically it does to keep human race living lalala, but shutup natural instinct AND GIVE ME A BREAK preferable one that involves a kitkat would be nice. And stop me caring about wether boys like me or not :D thanks.
Ummmmmmm I had a chemistry exam like last week, and it was honestly so awful that I came out of that exam feeling woosey and like 10 minutes later I was physically sick? Why did my body have to go and do that? Half an hour later I was fine, but then I had double maths and just wanted to die anyway.
Also I looked into cosmetic science, that my friend looks like a good career ;D making makeup own brand? YES PLEASE, I spend far too much money on makeup like 150 in the past month, anyway nothing I say even sounds interesting anymore, take care reader, im always here for you;)
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Well I was going to upload the blog intentionally before I wrote another one, but I forgot to upload the first one so heres the second part, its been like a week from above anyhow 
So recently I thought I really liked this guy, and literally in my head, I was adding up all these signals and messages to draw myself to the conclusion that he must actually like me, although in the back of my mind I also prepare myself for the opposite of use and leave alone, but I do that with every boy. The only thing is, ive recently found out he doesn’t like me like that, so im left with how on earth did I randomly come up with this idea, is my mind so perplexed by boys signals that I just imagined it all, I find it really strange? Besides I cant live without him, he’s part of my daily routine, I go to sleep knowing that he’s okay, and only after that, he makes me laugh, he’ll play fight with me without worrying if he’s hurting me, he’ll make fun of me and support me when its needed, a friend that I cant bare t let go, so if he’s reading this, I hope he realises he’s one in a million, and he’s a good friend to me.
On a happier topic I recently decided to start making up songs, im hoping to get some more cheerful ones soon about things like pins and needles and sneezing and how yawns are contagious, just because I can :D oh and video blogs are back in town ;D I figured I can do them on my laptop now, but this means no more editing so be prepared for umms, errr’s and no more random singing intervals :’( I am already crying inside about this, and until this is fixed, I am forever yearning for the random singing parts. I hate chemistry. I love biology, I hate maths, im beginning to warm to photography, OH AND IM SO EXCITED FOR SUMMER ITS CRAZY? Peace out home dog
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(a few days after the one above this) Wow, my life is rubbish at the moment. My heart feels like a worn out teddy bear. I’m scared for my own welfare.

theres a thought

chemicals; love
Someone i used to be really close with once told me, he doesnt really believe in love because its chemicals in your brain trying to get you tp find a mate to keep the human race alive. At first i argued that this couldnt possibly be true because people say they find love and theyre hooked on that one person their whole life, it doesnt happen to everyone but some are lucky enough. And he continued to say things like, its compatibility and being able to put up with people, and chemicals flowing in your brain. This option pops into my brain often.

Personal experiance of love
When i compare that to what i feel ive had, i think it cant be true, like when you look at someone and your stomach goes, or liek when the other person only likes youa s a friend, and you agree, no matter how much it hurts, just so you can keep seeing there face, and everyday it gets easier to just see them that way, that proves i know i can move on, But then you get those that appear stuck in your mind all the time, and you hate them will all your brain, but love them with all your heart, that cant be chemicals can it? But then ide have to believe in things liek soul mates, but soul mates represent both people adoring eachother, so why is it people can want but not need.


The mind; love
Sometimes you can convince you that everything is possible, but ive heard someone say before 'you cannot force someone to love someone else' and thats very true, but is love desire? lust? adoration? how can someone define love, and why doesnt my mind knwo what is? why are films showing me 'love' why hasnt the generations told people of how love can hurt and mend.


Why do i care so much?

Friends; love
Those are the people who you can trust with your entire life, and you expect the same from them, people have told me you cant be friends with the opposite, the other sex always wants something more from you. Well i'de like to say that i believe that, but i do see that persons point of view, like you can be really good friends with someone you think is ugly because you just couldnt do it to yourself, people say looks dont matter, even scientists have proved that wrong. Its a good thing to know that sub-consciensly, all your friends think youre a bit attractive.

Music; Love
How can music understand what love is, and comfort you when you feel there is no love? A blog cant answer these questions, but maybe one day the universe will for me.